I’m questioning things. For so long I’ve been moving step by step towards making my living doing the various healing work I love, cranio-sacral and doula work. I’m not giving that up, per se, but I am questioning if that’s what would be the best mainstay. The other night Bruno and I were in Lisbon with his brother and sister-in-law, and I saw a shop, ‘California San Francisco Vintage’; I immediately thought, oh, that would be so fun to import cool second-hand clothes from California! Teresa (my mother-in-law) and I have lightly tossed around the idea of a tea and chocolate shop–she makes the most amazing flourless chocolate cake–and so why not a combo cafe and funky clothes store?
What’s most interesting to me about this is that I felt drawn to the idea, and capable of executing it, whereas bringing my healing work into the world can often feel like I making something out of nothing. The cafe/shop does not feel so emotionally heavy, while trying to create a business structure for the cranio/doula work does. The cranio/doula work itself (being with the people) does not feel heavy, however. Further appeal for the cafe/shop lies in 1) getting to shop! 2) trips between California and Portugal being tax-deductible 3) having time to write once things get off the ground and I could have someone else work in the shop, and having the mental energy, too.
The cranio-sacral and birth work will always be a part of my life. Whatever actually happens, this path is an intimate part of my spiritual journey. All of my ‘spiritual’ experiences happen through my body, and so I refuse to leave my body, or anybody else’s, out of the realm of spiritual imagination and wholeness. But perhaps I need to ask better questions about how this all wants to manifest in my life.
Either way these are questions, musings–but not decisions. We know that we are coming back to California this summer, and it will be interesting to start afresh in California. When we left in September I felt a deep need to ‘break the set’ of behavior that I had settled into in my California life, many things that were no longer serving me. Being here in Portugal has given me a chance to uncover those places that were festering and let the sun and wind clean them out.
I’ve never been great with self-discipline, especially around consistent exercise or spiritual practice, and that’s some of my core work here. The last month of travel and then illness has me off the yoga bandwagon, but I’m climbing back on. In February I’m going to a Vipassana retreat, my first ever, and while I’m nervous about that much sitting (from a physical standpoint) I am very curious about what the experience will be.
When I was back in California for 3 weeks, I noted that I felt much more neutral about the place than when I left (distinctly, I very much miss my friends and family there). That was a relief, and I am also curious about what it will be like to live there again after this year abroad. Even now, I make an effort to not assign some fixed meaning to life there (or anywhere), but to allow the meaning to continue to unfold–just as I am doing inside myself.